The Nightmare Begins

Life after that day became very different. My son probably suffered the most, he had lost his sisters,his only play mates, and in the process both his parents. We were so deep in our own depression it was like we really couldn't see him anymore. He sort of disappeared in to the background. I think that is why he started acting out because he so desperately needed our love and attention. Many times over the next months I thought about leaving Chris, He didn't need me to care for his kids anymore, I really wasn't sure if he even loved me, or that I felt any great love for him anymore. I blamed him for losing the girls, if he had only been more responsible,more mature and done the things he should, maybe we could have afforded a lawyer, maybe they wouldn't have picked our lives apart so much. I believe that my loss was greater than his because even though the girls were physically gone, his role would never change he would always be their daddy, I was no longer there mom they had one now. So I completely lost all my children, the girls to their mother and my son to my own depression. I often wonder would my son's life have been different if I had left, if I had started over and focused more of my attention on him. But I couldn't I held on because of those fleeting moments we actually got to spend time with the girls, those small glimpses of happiness that I once had. I talked Chris into marrying me finally even though he didn't want to with the hope that it would somehow help us get them back. I wish I hadn't done it now,what should have been a happy moment, a lasting memory for me is just a painful one. I feel like even after all I had done for him and the kids over the years he still didn't see me as worthy enough to ask me to marry him and give me a wedding. He wouldn't work,wouldn't pay his child support, so I worked my ass to the bone trying to keep our heads above water and make it work. I bailed him out of jail everytime he got locked up for child support, paid his support when he couldn't afford it, and basically shoulder all of the responsiblilty on my own. It was my sweat and tears that provided the means to send the girls stuff for their birthdays and Christmas, and to provide for visitations with them. Yet, somehow he remained the hero Dad and I slowly faded into the background and my son with me. Then 2 years ago the phone call came, she wanted us to pick up the oldest one, my heart soared I believed that I might finally get my happiness back. I borrowed what I could and we drove all night. The hardest thing I ever had to do was drive away with one of them and leave the other behind. As soon as we returned I began calling lawyers til I found one willing to take payments.Then I worked my ass off to get the money to pay and get a bigger house, so we could win. For 8 years I put my blood sweat and tears into buying that house,it wasn't much but it was mine, but I sold it all for the hope of happiness. If I had only known it would be more sorrow I would get instead, perhaps I would have just stood back and let Chris fail once again.