The Nightmare Begins

Life after that day became very different. My son probably suffered the most, he had lost his sisters,his only play mates, and in the process both his parents. We were so deep in our own depression it was like we really couldn't see him anymore. He sort of disappeared in to the background. I think that is why he started acting out because he so desperately needed our love and attention. Many times over the next months I thought about leaving Chris, He didn't need me to care for his kids anymore, I really wasn't sure if he even loved me, or that I felt any great love for him anymore. I blamed him for losing the girls, if he had only been more responsible,more mature and done the things he should, maybe we could have afforded a lawyer, maybe they wouldn't have picked our lives apart so much. I believe that my loss was greater than his because even though the girls were physically gone, his role would never change he would always be their daddy, I was no longer there mom they had one now. So I completely lost all my children, the girls to their mother and my son to my own depression. I often wonder would my son's life have been different if I had left, if I had started over and focused more of my attention on him. But I couldn't I held on because of those fleeting moments we actually got to spend time with the girls, those small glimpses of happiness that I once had. I talked Chris into marrying me finally even though he didn't want to with the hope that it would somehow help us get them back. I wish I hadn't done it now,what should have been a happy moment, a lasting memory for me is just a painful one. I feel like even after all I had done for him and the kids over the years he still didn't see me as worthy enough to ask me to marry him and give me a wedding. He wouldn't work,wouldn't pay his child support, so I worked my ass to the bone trying to keep our heads above water and make it work. I bailed him out of jail everytime he got locked up for child support, paid his support when he couldn't afford it, and basically shoulder all of the responsiblilty on my own. It was my sweat and tears that provided the means to send the girls stuff for their birthdays and Christmas, and to provide for visitations with them. Yet, somehow he remained the hero Dad and I slowly faded into the background and my son with me. Then 2 years ago the phone call came, she wanted us to pick up the oldest one, my heart soared I believed that I might finally get my happiness back. I borrowed what I could and we drove all night. The hardest thing I ever had to do was drive away with one of them and leave the other behind. As soon as we returned I began calling lawyers til I found one willing to take payments.Then I worked my ass off to get the money to pay and get a bigger house, so we could win. For 8 years I put my blood sweat and tears into buying that house,it wasn't much but it was mine, but I sold it all for the hope of happiness. If I had only known it would be more sorrow I would get instead, perhaps I would have just stood back and let Chris fail once again.

My Fairy Tale Life

The beginning of our life together was hard. My parents didn't like Chris,didn't like the fact that I was pregnant. He still lived with his mom,so she could help with the girls. So I was pretty much on my own. I really didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy the way most women do. My parents weren't going to help me and Chris' family didn't offer any help either. I never even had a baby shower. It didn't bother me so much then but as I get older and I know I will never get to experience that joy in my life it gets a little harder.Back then I was blinded by love and the thought of having a real family. So I worked my ass off and bought all the things I needed for my baby. Then about a year after he was born Chris and I finally moved in together and began our life. The girls mother was pretty much non-existent in their life at this point, which made my life easier. But it still wasn't easy. Chris was not the most mature person. But I had these 2 beautiful little girls and a new baby. They were my world and I was theirs, so I was able to overlook a lot. Chris went through a lot of jobs,and several times of having no job, the first few years. But I worked my ass to the bone,sold anything I had of value and pretty much sold my soul to make sure the kids had what they needed.When he worked and I didn't I took care of the kids 24/7. I budgeted our money to the penny to make it stretch. I did work for my dad to earn money, and I stretched my food stamps enough to feed 5 people for a month and buy Chris' mom food with the extra so she would buy the kids things they needed that I couldn't buy with food stamps. One time I had to use old wash cloths for my period and wash them out because it was a choice between buying the kids what they needed or buying me pads. Chris and me got into an argument about it and his mother ended up getting me put in jail. Still I hung on because there is nothing more precious than the unconditional love of a child. At one point I left Chris for about 6 months. But I couldn't walk away from the girls,and I couldn't be a part of their life without him. I went back because they were not getting what they needed and I felt like it was my fault. Sometimes after that their mother decided to show back up. She had suddenly decided she wanted to be a part of their lives and took us back to court. We had no money to fight her and she won. On November 24th, 1998 my heart was ripped from my chest. Tears flooded my soul as I had to hand my children over to a woman they didn't even know. It was a cold hard reminder that no matter how much I loved them they were not mine.